buwahaha...

I feel mucho better now. That's all I have to say. Nothing more...

Is the tear true... or is it a lie? Is the smile real... or is it fake? Do we truely understand... or do we just assume? You said you'd be there when I needed you to be, but that, now I see, was a lie...

It's quite funny now that I look at it. I've been blaming myself for no reason at all. Why should I be the one to suffer because of the faults of others? I'll say this, the reason I walked away was not because I wanted to. It's because you made me. You say you're worried, but that's just sickening. I walked away and you never followed. All you did was stay and have your fun as I walked off. Something a friend would do? I don't think so.

I'm tired of you contradicting whatever you say. You said things that you ment, but then you go back and act as if you never said them. It's quite stupid really. If you say something and don't mean it, why say it at all? You let me believe that those words were the truth, but they were actually lies. I can't put up with that.

People say that you shouldn't say anything if you have nothing nice to say, right? Well I don't give a damn right now. When ever I have something to say, I have a right to finish my statement before someone cuts in. Did that ever happen. Fuck no. Everytime I wanted to say something you alway just cut in.

You always ignored me and now you think you can get away with treating me like dirt. I don't think so, not anymore anyways. I let you use my shoulder to cry on. I listened to you everytime you said something. I was there when you needed me. But where were you when I needed a shoulder to cry on? When I needed someone to listen to me? When I needed you here by my side? You were never there. You just pretend that it never happened.

Friends? I'm sick you telling me you love me when you're in a good mood. I'm sick of having to sit around listening to what you have to say about everything. All you ever do is remember the non important shit. Every fucking time, I'm the one who has to remind you about anything. I won't always be there, so you need to learn to do it yourself. You say you know, but how come you don't show it?

All you ever does is have fun. You never did take anything seriously. You may have people to get you things you want now, but you'll be on your own in the future. You say you want to be independant. Well, always relying on everyone else isn't going to help you. So manything's I've said and how many time's have you listened? None from the looks of it.

You can try to make excuses, but I won't stand for them anymore. I have my limits and I've wanted my time to say something. So you think you can kick me to the side and act like nothing's happened well, you're wrong. YOU know who you are. YOU know who I'm talking about. So don't go and think it's not YOU because you'd be wrong. Friends point out the faults of their friends. I'm doing you a favor so you can learn, but if you don't want to take the lesson just because you don't think I'm saying the truth, then just go on pretending that your life is alright. You pretending won't hurt me in the end, it'll only hurt you.

What is the dream and what is reality?

What is the lie and what is the truth?

What is death and what is life?

What is the memory and what is the present?

What is a friend and what is an enemy?

The dream makes the reality

The lie makes the truth

The death makes the life

The memory makes the present

And the friend makes the enemy

So what's the use...

When reality is made from the dream?

When the truth can be the lie?

When life will lead to death?

When the present will just be the memory?

And when an enemy once was your friend?

So in the end, what was I? Someone you could just use? Or someone you wanted to see if you could break? Either way I'm tired of blaming myself because, with the help of others, I've found that it isn't my fault. Everytime I blame myself, it's because I'm to kind hearted. No more sympathy because I have to right to be heard. As I like to repeat in my mind: "I am my own person. You hate me, you hate me. You like me, you like me. But don't try to change me because it's not you who picks the time I want to change, it's me."

~†Nicole

 Sometimes I wonder if I'm really hear, because no one seems to notice. Sometimes the light seems to disappear, because everyone seems to leave me in the dark. Sometimes if feels like I'm talking to myself, because no one seems to listen.

Happy Valentine's Day... ya right... Anything but happy for me. No one ever seems to notice anything's wrong when it comes to me until I'm gone. No one ever worries until I don't return. I feel so fucking used. No one give me any fucking gratitude for anything. Again I've become the "third person" which is one too many in a group. "Three's a crowd." It's always me. No one tells me anything, they plan the fucking event and then never tell me a fucking. And I'm sick and tired of everyone I know being a spoilt brat. Everyone always gets things from there parents so easily. Things that they "want" but dont "need". I can't take it anymore. Unlike them, my family can't afford that shit. I mean we could but we choose not to because of how much money we do have. Everyone thinks it's so easy to get everything they want 'cause they'll eventually get it. Out of my whole life time, I've hardly gotten anything I wanted from my parents, they just get what they can for me. I'm sick and tired of having to be the one with the common sense that just about anyone is lacking. I'm sick and tired of not being recognized. I'm also pissed off.

I left at lunch today 'cause I can't stand it. They can sit with Alana if they want to, but after everything she's fucking done to me, don't fucking think I'm ever going to be friends with her again. Everytime, I always think that I have friends, but in the end all they do is use me. I'm tried of it. I'm tired of it all. You can think I'm holding a grudge, but how can I not? They say not to let her use me, like I fucking can. If I don't do the fucking work, who fucking will? That goes to just about anyone. Why is it I always get stuck with the work and then everyone else seems like they have no work to do at all? They have all the free time in the world it seems, but what's more important: Education which is beneficial to your future? or "have the most fun now, and save the work for later"?

I always say something, but no one seems to listen. Everytime I start talking about something, someone cuts me off. In the end, why bother talk at all then? Do I really have friends? If I do, then how come no one worries about me until I break? I always get kicked into the corner. I guess I might as well go back to the way things were when I was a kid, no friends only aquaintances. Everyone can have there fun, don't need to worry about me. I'll just stay where I am on the road, while everyone can walk ahead. I don't fucking care if I sound like a fucking little kid. I'm sick and tired of having to be the one who does just about everything to get nothing in the fucking end. Go ahead and have your fun, but don't come to me when you need help, 'cause in the end you won't listen to me anyways so why should I even bother to listen to you?

Why the fuck should I have even bothered to write all this down. No one's going to even bother to read it. So much for friends. Also, don't try to console me, the damage has already been done. There's nothing you can do about it. Apologizing won't work either. For the first two years of high school, I thought that things would change from elementary, but they fucking haven't. Nothing ever will, so I gave up the hope for change. My life has just been repetition over and over again for the past 15 years. So there's nothing else left for me to hope for. Do what you want, but I don't want to be consoled, any apologies, or sympathy. All I want is, your own self realization. If you don't want to be my friend after this it's up to you. But remember this, if your still willing to be my friend after, I may end up saying the truth of how I feel that you are towards me. The truth from me may end up being a "slap in the face", but I've held it in for too long and I can't do it any longer.

All of my hate cannot be bound
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
And you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

~†..........

 Waiting forever for time to pass. When will it be my time to be? When will my time end?

I feel better then yesterday, but I still feel the same. Finding that I'm gone from an A/B student to a B/C doesn't really help either. Makes me feel like shit even more. I got my exams back, that's what happened. Thinking I did well after writing them was a mistake.

This year I'm trying my best, but my best isn't working. It doesn't seem to anymore. Everyone wants me to be someone I can't be. I can strive to be someone, but that someone would still be me in the end. 

Well I'm off to do my homework. Yay I'm getting screamed at by my mother again. I guess the "horse" still wants to "trample" at me until I die. Doesn't seem like I'm getting back on the horse anytime soon.

~†Neco

Currently Listening Anywhere But Home (w/ bonus DVD) By Evanescence see related

- Missing

~†..........